Land Rover Defender.... 62 Years Later and You Start to Make Sense

With those of a green persuasion, trying and succeeding to make us believe the world will explode in an hour on our case, its social suicide to drive a 4x4 these days.

According to the green fingered gang, if you drive a 4x4 you don't care. You don't care about the environment, you don't care about your children’s future and you don't care about traffic. Subsequently, if you own one these days, you definitely don't have any friends. But what if you want to drive around in your pollution wagon but you want some people to talk to down the pub? Well you buy a Land Rover Defender of course.

The Land Rover Defender has been with us for coming on 62 years now. And it hasn't changed one bit. It’s still the same shape and is still the undisputed king of off roading. Full stop. Land Rover, being British, and being wise enough to realize that there was nothing wrong with the original so why fettle, haven't paid much attention to face lifts over the years. If you buy one new today, and oh yes you can still buy one; a range topper will cost you just shy of £29,000 without options. A bit steep? Well yes, but I might just be able to justify it.

You see, if you spend £89,000 without options on a Porsche Cayenne Turbo S no one will like you. So while you have all the power of a Sheik, the pedigree of a greyhound and the speed of a fast jet, you won’t have anyone to talk to down the pub. What’s the point of that? See every tree hugger knows that you are going everywhere drilling a hole in the environment and so you must be punished to death. Also they will be jealous that you drive a Porsche-and they don’t. So they will ruin it every time you park it. With a Land Rover Discovery, it’s so old, so British and so slow that no one minds. People know deep down that you are doing more ‘damage’ to the world then terrorists. They know that you don't care about your children’s future. But they don't care. Because secretly they think you’re barmy. They think you’re so mad for driving a house that does 0-60 in a little over a fortnight and for enduring the comfort levels of getting a vasectomy-with a non sterile knife. They assume you must really use your off roader for going off road. For that reason they don't mind it taking up two spaces parked on Knightsbridge. For that very reason people will talk to you in the pub.

Buy a Land Rover Defender. Not only will you save money, but you will also save your friends. Then you can be the tree huggers dirty little secret.

If You Have a Blackberry.... You Have No Imagination

Have you ever tried having a conversation with someone that owns a blackberry? Its rather irritating.

You see the problem with modern day technology is, you are given the freedom to have your desktop computer in a hand held device that fits in your pocket. In addition to the great usual stuff the Blackberry features a constant MSN type thing. This revolutionary feature, allows you to give people your Blackberry Pin, and contact other blackberry users at any time day or night. While this is great for those with a Blackberry it isn't so great for those without. Why? It means the your mate is constantly talking to everyone except you. While they are nodding along to everything you say, they aren't actually listening to anything you have to say. This can get rather tiresome after a while.

I would like to now make it official: On this day 20 Dec 2009 i am raging full scale war on the Blackberry. They are irritating and anti-social. They are owned by people with no imagination and a complete lack of social skills. To put it simply, if you own a blackberry your an idiot.

To display my hatred towards this engineering masterpiece i am going to buy one and join the masses. That way I can be anti-social just like everyone else.

Conplex Problems...Simple Solutions

I've got the hump. At the young and tender age of 20 Ive had enough of this country. Those of you who are aged 35+ will be thinking what is this child going on about? But wait. The simple fact is this: when your long gone and extinct, I will still be paying tax through my arse to try and pay off a debt i really did not create. You will be happy to know, I have a solution.

Make me Prime Minister. No seriously I would have the mess sorted in a month. I would start by firing anyone with any connection to Parliament. No excuses, clean slate. Next to go would be the city of Slough. I would completely flatten it. I simply don't see the point of this concrete jungle. Situated in the Royal County of Berkshire, Slough is one of those places where everyone seems to be related to each other. There is a word for that condition isn't there? Ahh yes...inbred. In 2006 CPRE named Slough the least tranquil area in the WHOLE of England. Seriously when the Russian KGB made a map of the urban areas of the UK, they didn't bother with Slough. I am confident that WHEN i flatten it, no one will even notice. So what would I put in its place? A really big prison.

Seriously, I can solve crime in an instant. I would make it law that anyone found breaking the law will receive a minimum of 32 years in prison. Think about it. We have a serious problem with gun and knife crime at the moment. If the penalty for carrying such a weapon was 57 years in a prison in slough, I'm confident we would no longer have a problem. Its much the same story when it comes to road issues. A simple way to combat speeding and stupid accidents, is a huge metal spike. Seriously, tell me, if your car had a sharp metal spike pointing out of the steering wheel, resting on your adams apple , would you crash? I thought so. The key point here is you people have minor scraps and crashes every day. They are time consuming, and help to give the insurance companies an excuse to ask you to kindly bend over when you renewal is due. There is always some one at fault (usually its that bloke in the Rover), but if my plan was implemented I guarantee you we would have 3 crashes a decade. No need for speed camera's, traffic police or speed limits. Simple you see.

What about taxes? Seriously I would simply stop taxing everyone. How would we live you ask? Borrow money from Cuba. They have got tons of cocaine money kicking around, I'm sure they could spare a few billion. When the bailiffs come knocking at number 10 to make good the 655588 billion pounds owed... We will hide in the bunker with the lights off hoping they haven't seen us. Or we could all play bankers and simply refuse to pay them back. What can they do? Board up our windows?

I wont reveal all my plans, because the Liberal Democrats will probably steal all my ideas and then i wont get voted in. But if you care about this country and if you want to live in a country run by sheer arrogance. Vote for me. I promise it will be great... For about 6 days... Then we're screwed.

Ford Escort RS2000... Nope Im Still Not Convinced

I stumbled upon my Mk5 Escort RS2000 by accident. After a week of phone calls and a rather long drive to Oxford, I had a 150BHP Ford RS sitting on my drive. At first I wasn't convinced. You see I have always disliked the Mk5 Escort. As a loyal Escort fan, the Mk5 comes across as if the designers weren't really concentrating. I find them rather annoying to look at; because I can’t understand what Ford were thinking. Of it’s a tossup between looking at an Mk5 and I don't know... Watching paint dry... I know which I'd choose. It's much the same story when you get inside one. I'm not saying the Mk4 was the most equipped car-because it wasn't. But alongside its rivals the Mk5 looks like it doesn't really care. All that teamed up with a truly uninspiring driving experience, the Mk5 scores rather low on my list.

The Mk5 RS2000 is one of those simply ignored editions in a manufactures history. Why? Well it wasn't very good for a start. You see the point of the RS branch of The Ford Motor Company, is to make the Joe average machines, which are churned out standard, into cars that went like stink. Only the RS2000 didn't really live up to expectations. It wasn't that fast for a start. Teamed with a not quite right ride and a heavy price tag, the RS2000 was a sort of flop. If you mention one at a RS meeting someone will quietly ask you to leave.

My brain works in quite a logical way. As far as I'm concerned, a small, car with a 2.0 Double Over Head Cam Ford RS engine is a recipe for fun. On my first drive I was slightly disappointed. I couldn't understand the lack of power. Because the Mk5 chassis isn't very good, you can ALWAYS feel the weight of this thing. So to get it off the line requires a great deal of effort. The power is thrown at you from 2750rpm and was clean out of puff at 5300rpm. Not the most exciting experience. Until you get to 4th gear. This car has a trick up its sleeve. The torque in 4th gear is immense. It pulls like a train-anywhere. The traffic light sprint? Don't bother. But just you wait till the torque gets you moving.

This caused my much disliked RS2000 to gain a solid soft spot in my heart. This was of course until a muggy Wednesday morning. After a game of cat and mouse with a Vauxhall Astra GSI, the Escort got irritated and blew its head gasket. See what happens when you take a chance with something that you knew wasn't really going to be a god idea? You get proven right, and everyone around you gets bored of hearing I told you so. The cream on the slightly stale cake is that the labour charges for a RS2000 head gasket start at £400. For what reason exactly? Why would it cost so much to repair something that wasn't very good in the first place? I do find that rather insulting.

Verdict: Buy one and drive around in forth all day... Just don't ask for much more.

So What's This All About Then?

My name is Ascene Constable-Polson. I am studying to be a Motoring Journalist. To get me into the flow of writing and reviewing, I will be posting regular blogs to show you the world according to me. All feedback is appreciated and pass the URL on to all your friends!

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