The Volkswagen Passat... Is This Some Kind of a Joke?

A rather comprehensive summary about a car i dont like very much....

You know when you go out partying, and you lock eyes with the prettiest thing in the rave... You spend all night, bumping and grinding and hours later your lucks in… You end up twisting around on the bed, having the best sex of your drunken life... Then you wake up the next morning and your penis feels a bit strange... Then it occurs to you that while she is gorgeous and this is better than your last ahem escapade, you realize you didn’t use a condom... All four times... Then you get a call 7 weeks later and the topic is: the baby that you’re about to have... And then you realize that you have Chlamydia… Can you see how this is slowly becoming the worst night of your life? Well this is exactly how I feel about the latest incarnation of the Volkswagen Passat. I wish we were never introduced.

I cannot explain the hate I have for this docile piece of metal. Even right now, as I type, I am punching the keyboard in anger. I want to make it clear early on. I have driven some pretty nasty cars; The Rover 75 and the Citron AX deserve a mention at this point. But while those (and some notable others) have been so bad they have made me question my love of cars. The Volkswagen Passat simply infuriates me.

Volkswagen are without doubt one of the best car manufacturers in the world. From the company that bought us the Mk1 Golf GTi, Hitler’s baby-the Bettle and more recently; the car I don’t like very much. The Phenomenal Bugatti Veyron. They have also bought us sum shiners like the new Scirocco. So I’m completely baffled as to why the new Passat is even allow to be called a car, let alone a Volkswagen.

At a first glance this is actually a very good looking car. Nothing exciting, nothing really notable, just very charming to look at. That is of course until you walk around to the back. Now seriously what happened? Did the designer think I know, ‘I’m going to create a modern and classy looking saloon’, start it, get halfway, and decide to go off and get stoned? Then return and couldn’t really be asked it finish it? I think the rear end of this German bears a resemblance to the Hyundai Pony. So we are not off to a great start then. And oh yeah, there is more.

Trying to find a seating position in cars is a headache for me. I’m never really comfortable. I have strangely long longs and even longer arms. This usually means that by default I have my seat; all the way back. If it has height adjustment-then it’s going all the way down. And I’m still not comfortable. This also has a rather annoying downside. If there is anyone sitting behind me, I usually have to move forward-therefore making me even more uncomfortable. In the Passat I don’t have this problem. Although on a 11 hour round trip, I did get the age old hint of back pain. The interior is huge. No other word for it. The front seats are like two leather clad arm chairs. It took about 16 years to find a seating position, but when I did I didn’t change it once. It was great-a rare pleasure. Obviously the boot is big enough to put 6 dead bodies in, and with the rear seats down, this thing makes a good super-king size bed. It’s also exceptionally well made. Volkswagen really does make beautiful cars. From the Polo to the Veyron, their attention to detail, and finish is rivaled only to Audi, who are just on another planet. The Volkswagen interior feels lyke a slightly more plastic Audi-and that is just picking at faults.

And now we move onto the rather thin topic of equipment. I had black leather interior, a CD player, a simply beautiful key, an electric driver’s seat, a rather confusing and over engineered trip computer, electronic hill assist, and an electric handbrake oh and it doesn’t have front fog lights. No you did just read that… Reality-check Volkswagen, this is two thousand and bloody ten. It is simply not ok to charge £225.21 + VAT for front fog lights. This is such a minor issue but it bugs me so much. I really cannot see why you have to pay for lights-to see. The fuckery doesn’t here however.

Along with a massive interior comes a truly massive car. It feels about the same size of a small aircraft. When you attempt a corner in this car, you can feel all 1.7 tones of weight shifting around in a nasty and unappealing fashion. But we shall come onto the rather boring issue of the driving experience in the next paragraph. Obviously, when you drive a baby airplane around you will of course be subjected to park it. This is bloody interesting. This car has a substantial amount of blind spots and a complete lack of visibility out the back window. This makes it a nuisance to park; Volkswagen must know this. They are German-so they check everything a million times, and then change it-and then check it again. So, you may be wondering-just like I still am- why they charge you £579.79+VAT for parking sensors? Again why do I have to pay more money for options that I need? Well I now understand why.

Wow this is defiantly one of the worst cars I have ever driven. The steering wheel is pointless. It doesn’t really do very much. It just kind of sits there serving a purpose once in a while. I kid you not, I once got a considerably amount of tire squeal from the front tires-at 20mph. That’s a joke. Then there are the brakes. They are too sharp and always vary in feel. One minute they are hard, the next they are soft. They don’t really inspire confidence; neither on the motorway at ‘ahem some miles an hour’, and defiantly not, when at a Car Cruise and the Astra Diesel you were just racing, just started braking- ‘effing hard’. I really cannot draw enough insults to describe the driving experience on this car. So let’s just say it was shit.

But strangely I seem to be the only one beating on about this car. I see loads of them and I couldn’t think who would buy one. Well I now understand why. This car is so pretentious, fake, dull, expensive, and boring and utterly shit; that only people, who don’t really have a choice, drive them. These people are called Company Car Drivers. They drive the Passat because it has a nicer badge than the Ford Mondeo-which is better and because their company cannot afford a BMW. Seen as it’s the company paying for it, and they are going to buy in bulk, Volkswagen has priced the Passat accordingly-to talk the piss.

I cannot explain why I loathe this car. It’s hard to put my finger on it. As a package it is just such a letdown; this would be ok if it was a Mazda, or a Vauxhall. Buts it’s a Volkswagen. Considering the VAG group owns nearly every car made on the road today, you can’t help thinking it could have been so much better. Then I wouldn’t mind paying £225.21+VAT for front fog lights.

10 Point Moan!!

These are a couple of things that I am finding rather intollerable at the moment!... (Apologies if i offend!)

· Public Transport-This requires a post all by itself.

· Cyclists- I have no time, or respect for these strange people. When I become Prime Minister I will make them all go away.

· Anyone that drives a Volkswagen Golf GTi-They are all arrogant wankers, and dare I say simply minded idiots.

· People that support Liberal Democrats-They cannot make opinions, and when they do-it’s irrelevant anyway. This is clear by the bunch of philistines that are lodging at Number 10.

· The Volkswagen Passat- My hatred runs deep.

· People that spend their own money on a Volkswagen Passat-You have no sense at all-and I have no time on for you.

· People of a 'Daily Mail' disposition-These lot seriously need to get real. Its 2010-Thatcher has gone.

· The Vauxhall Vectra- I find the ‘complete shit’ factor of this car insulting.

· Gordon Brown- Sorry but did anyone ask for your help?

· . Constant braking on the motorway- When I become Prime Minister, their punishment will be extreme.

Thats its for now....

Little French Surrender Monkey… You’ve Stolen My Heart….

I absolutely adore Hot Hatchbacks. As a general rule, anything that is quick enough to tingle my senses, and turn me into a human tripod is a winner. But for me, a hot hatch is something a whole lot more than that. The combination of practicality, price and sheer fun factor will always have my heart.

As a general rule, I HATE French cars. To put it bluntly, they are shit. They ALL have a certain feel about them that feels inadequate. The buttons feel as though they are (and often do) fall off if you so much as greet them with a glance. The steering is always vague, and the gear change is-lets be polite here and say ‘woolly’. And then there is the rather dark issue of reliability. Or lack of it. French cars don’t really suffer with big problems; it’s usually 3,579 little ones. And that’s worse.

Now as a nation, the French aren’t very good at very much. Its rubbish in a war and it’s even worse when it comes to the matter of innovation. However the one thing the French are good at is making small cars-that go like stink. This brings me to the 2^nd generation Renault Clio.

In Standard form, there is much to hate about the Renault Clio. It feels-well umm typically French. It isn’t the most spacious in its class; it has a range of engines that all perform badly, it lacks equipment levels and it will almost certainly fall apart. As an all rounder then, I would rather eat your toenails, than own one.

Against my best advice, my brother decided on a 1.2 Renault Clio for his first car. Guess what? It was shit. I hoped and prayed and thankfully, he crashed it, and it went away. Then he came to me and said: wait for it… He wanted another one. I tried everything, to steer him towards a logical BMW 3 Series. But, because he’s more stubborn than me, it was of course to no avail. I spent many sleepless nights, wishing he would see sense. Failing that, I hoped he wouldn’t be too hurt in the crash that I hoped would make it go away. But then came a bombshell. He was talking about the Clio with the big willy; The Renault Clio Renaultsport 172-Which is a masterpiece.

This car is properly good. I don’t mean good like having sex with Kate Winslett good. I mean like having sex with Naomi Campbell good. Out the box, 0-60 is dealt with in 6.7 seconds and 172 BHP-as the name suggests, pulls it all the way to 140 mph-Trust me on that figure. That’s impressive, but that isn’t this cars party piece. I kid you not, this car stick to the road like shit to a shovel. You get that sense that you can attack any corner, at any speed. Even in the wet. If you do choose bravery, you get a hint of understeer. This is promptly cured with a boot full of power, and the little cracker just grips, and it sling shoots you out the other end. And the brakes are sharp, but trust me they are bloody good.

Of course it has its fair share of problems. The equipment is sparse, and whilst the seats are very supportive whilst driving aggressively; their odd shape, makes them uncomfortable. Then, there is the rather crucial and completely annoying aspect of the driving experience. At low speeds, the car feels like a jumpy Jack Russell dog. I hate driving it at normal speeds. If anything, it feels even worse than most Frenchies do. It doesn’t stop there however. This car follows Road Camber in a rather dangerous fashion. Coupled with a rather alarming amount of Torque steer, it would be a complete understatement to stay this is a twitchy little bugger. And then we get to the danger zone; The potential for this car to Lift-Off Oversteer is ever present. Lift-Off Oversteer is a little confusing to explain, but rather easy to achieve in the 172-if you’re not concentrating. Lift-Off Oversteer is when you back off the accelerator in a fast corner, and simply, the back tries to overtake the front. On a racetrack this is always fun. On a roundabout this is not. The 172 has a tendency to lure you into believing that you can confidently attack a roundabout at 100 mph-which you will. Then you notice midway through the roundabout that you are in fact about to understeer into the pavement-and naturally you back off-causing you to face Fiesta ST that you were racing only moments earlier-who has just locked up- and ‘shat’ himself-and has subsequently missed you by an inch. This is scary. And you should refrain from this-as the crash that will result, will make your insurance premiums become an un-funny joke. I have found myself in this situation on; ahem more than one occasion.

But when you switch it to Warp Factor 9, this car NEVER fails to disappoint. Seriously, a country road blast makes you forgive all its shortcomings. Every drive makes you love it more. To sum up then; The Renault Clio Renaultsport 172, is a car that I adore. It’s bonkers, uncomfortable, badly made and at times dangerous. I want one immediately and so should you. Guess what? You can put a 2003 ‘53’ plate 79,000 miler example on your driveway today for £2350. That I think is what is known as a bloody fantastic bargain.

Im Back!

Right, I’m back. I’ve been missing in action for a while now due to a misplaced password. Fortunately, this problem has been reset, and I’m back to make you see things through my eyes. Just in case you forgot me, I’ll remind you who I am.

My name is Ascene Constable-Polson. I am some years old, and I’ve been told I am one of the most opinionated people of my generation. I’m currently studying BA Journalism at Westminster University, and aspire to become a Motoring Journalist.

I see the world in a strange and unique way. I don’t hold any punches and I’m never afraid to tell it how it is. My mission is simple. I would like to give you an insight into how I view the world. More importantly however, I would like car manufacturers to stop making rubbish cars, and for you to all stop buying them. To kick off, I’m going to tell you about a little French car that really floats my boat.