A rather comprehensive summary about a car i dont like very much....
You know when you go out partying, and you lock eyes with the prettiest thing in the rave... You spend all night, bumping and grinding and hours later your lucks in… You end up twisting around on the bed, having the best sex of your drunken life... Then you wake up the next morning and your penis feels a bit strange... Then it occurs to you that while she is gorgeous and this is better than your last ahem escapade, you realize you didn’t use a condom... All four times... Then you get a call 7 weeks later and the topic is: the baby that you’re about to have... And then you realize that you have Chlamydia… Can you see how this is slowly becoming the worst night of your life? Well this is exactly how I feel about the latest incarnation of the Volkswagen Passat. I wish we were never introduced.
I cannot explain the hate I have for this docile piece of metal. Even right now, as I type, I am punching the keyboard in anger. I want to make it clear early on. I have driven some pretty nasty cars; The Rover 75 and the Citron AX deserve a mention at this point. But while those (and some notable others) have been so bad they have made me question my love of cars. The Volkswagen Passat simply infuriates me.
Volkswagen are without doubt one of the best car manufacturers in the world. From the company that bought us the Mk1 Golf GTi, Hitler’s baby-the Bettle and more recently; the car I don’t like very much. The Phenomenal Bugatti Veyron. They have also bought us sum shiners like the new Scirocco. So I’m completely baffled as to why the new Passat is even allow to be called a car, let alone a Volkswagen.
At a first glance this is actually a very good looking car. Nothing exciting, nothing really notable, just very charming to look at. That is of course until you walk around to the back. Now seriously what happened? Did the designer think I know, ‘I’m going to create a modern and classy looking saloon’, start it, get halfway, and decide to go off and get stoned? Then return and couldn’t really be asked it finish it? I think the rear end of this German bears a resemblance to the Hyundai Pony. So we are not off to a great start then. And oh yeah, there is more.
Trying to find a seating position in cars is a headache for me. I’m never really comfortable. I have strangely long longs and even longer arms. This usually means that by default I have my seat; all the way back. If it has height adjustment-then it’s going all the way down. And I’m still not comfortable. This also has a rather annoying downside. If there is anyone sitting behind me, I usually have to move forward-therefore making me even more uncomfortable. In the Passat I don’t have this problem. Although on a 11 hour round trip, I did get the age old hint of back pain. The interior is huge. No other word for it. The front seats are like two leather clad arm chairs. It took about 16 years to find a seating position, but when I did I didn’t change it once. It was great-a rare pleasure. Obviously the boot is big enough to put 6 dead bodies in, and with the rear seats down, this thing makes a good super-king size bed. It’s also exceptionally well made. Volkswagen really does make beautiful cars. From the Polo to the Veyron, their attention to detail, and finish is rivaled only to Audi, who are just on another planet. The Volkswagen interior feels lyke a slightly more plastic Audi-and that is just picking at faults.
And now we move onto the rather thin topic of equipment. I had black leather interior, a CD player, a simply beautiful key, an electric driver’s seat, a rather confusing and over engineered trip computer, electronic hill assist, and an electric handbrake oh and it doesn’t have front fog lights. No you did just read that… Reality-check Volkswagen, this is two thousand and bloody ten. It is simply not ok to charge £225.21 + VAT for front fog lights. This is such a minor issue but it bugs me so much. I really cannot see why you have to pay for lights-to see. The fuckery doesn’t here however.
Along with a massive interior comes a truly massive car. It feels about the same size of a small aircraft. When you attempt a corner in this car, you can feel all 1.7 tones of weight shifting around in a nasty and unappealing fashion. But we shall come onto the rather boring issue of the driving experience in the next paragraph. Obviously, when you drive a baby airplane around you will of course be subjected to park it. This is bloody interesting. This car has a substantial amount of blind spots and a complete lack of visibility out the back window. This makes it a nuisance to park; Volkswagen must know this. They are German-so they check everything a million times, and then change it-and then check it again. So, you may be wondering-just like I still am- why they charge you £579.79+VAT for parking sensors? Again why do I have to pay more money for options that I need? Well I now understand why.
Wow this is defiantly one of the worst cars I have ever driven. The steering wheel is pointless. It doesn’t really do very much. It just kind of sits there serving a purpose once in a while. I kid you not, I once got a considerably amount of tire squeal from the front tires-at 20mph. That’s a joke. Then there are the brakes. They are too sharp and always vary in feel. One minute they are hard, the next they are soft. They don’t really inspire confidence; neither on the motorway at ‘ahem some miles an hour’, and defiantly not, when at a Car Cruise and the Astra Diesel you were just racing, just started braking- ‘effing hard’. I really cannot draw enough insults to describe the driving experience on this car. So let’s just say it was shit.
But strangely I seem to be the only one beating on about this car. I see loads of them and I couldn’t think who would buy one. Well I now understand why. This car is so pretentious, fake, dull, expensive, and boring and utterly shit; that only people, who don’t really have a choice, drive them. These people are called Company Car Drivers. They drive the Passat because it has a nicer badge than the Ford Mondeo-which is better and because their company cannot afford a BMW. Seen as it’s the company paying for it, and they are going to buy in bulk, Volkswagen has priced the Passat accordingly-to talk the piss.
I cannot explain why I loathe this car. It’s hard to put my finger on it. As a package it is just such a letdown; this would be ok if it was a Mazda, or a Vauxhall. Buts it’s a Volkswagen. Considering the VAG group owns nearly every car made on the road today, you can’t help thinking it could have been so much better. Then I wouldn’t mind paying £225.21+VAT for front fog lights.
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